We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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