Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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