Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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