Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
