He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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