that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize