why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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