Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
