the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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