before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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