According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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