You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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