Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize