if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
