Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
