and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
