talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
