Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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