I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
