How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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