Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
