I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
