9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
