This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
