I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize