The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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