you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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