1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My life is pants optional.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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