watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
