Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
