wrigley field is MILF paradise
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
