So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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