Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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