Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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