Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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