What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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