If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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