believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
