I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
