Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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