So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
