Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize