just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
