I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
