A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
