guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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