i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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