so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize