Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
