you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Bring me that man meat
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
