I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
