Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
