I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
