Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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