i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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