go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
