Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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