mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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