I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
